


my heart in your hands

by kagayaitaday



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Getting Together, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21956173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kagayaitaday/pseuds/kagayaitaday
Summary: In which Rin, a courtesan, meets and falls in love with his patron, Haru, a travelling merchant. Somewhere along the way, he breaks his own heart (but Haru is there to put it back together again).
Relationships: Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka
Comments: 15
Kudos: 40
Collections: Rin & Haru Week





	my heart in your hands

The hour was close to dawn when Rin found himself blinking awake. The cold had awoken him, a chill that had wrapped fingers around his bare shoulders, but it hadn't been the chill of the pre-dawn.

The arms that had been holding him and had soothed him into dreamland were gone.

In a flash, he sat up, the heavy blanket pooling in his lap, and looked around the small room.

Tonight would only be the third time he'd slept with Haru, but he had already begun to see patterns in Haru's habits. He knew, for example, that Haru liked to take a dip in the inn's heated pools regardless of the time of day, and that late nights were his favourite time of all. He also knew that Haru was, in his private life, a rather free-spirited person, the type to leave their things wherever was most convenient for them at the time.

Rin has had clients who would leave him in the middle of the night and he's also had patrons who would dismiss him curtly after they'd made use of his services.

Haru, though… Haru was different. He was straight-forward, and every time they met, he would make sure that they were on the same page. But he was also soft-spoken and gentle, always making sure Rin was comfortable and present before making any further moves.

Haru wouldn't, he believed, just leave him without telling him first.

Even so, Rin couldn't tamp down on the flash of panic that lanced through his chest, until he looked around the room and caught sight of Haru's trunk tucked away in the corner of the room, their clothes still strewn all over the floor.

Soon after, his eyes found Haru's form, the dark-haired beauty he had found himself quietly anticipating news of every time mail was brought to the Madame.

Haru was seated by the low window, his chin resting in the curve of his palm as he gazed outside. There was a faraway look on his face, like Haru's mind wasn't where his body was.

Pushing the covers away, Rin crawled across the tatami floor as quietly as he could.

"Haru?" he whispered, unsure if he should disturb the other man's thoughts or not.

The dark haired man jolted, his head whipping round until their eyes met.

Rin couldn't help but notice, in the edge of his vision, the way Haru's hand dropped down into his lap, and his eyes followed to find Haru's hand covering something flat and light in colour, something made of paper if Rin had to guess.

"Oh," Haru breathed, releasing a sigh of relief, "Rin."

The surprised tone of Haru's voice tugged a smile onto Rin's lips, and he lifted his eyes to meet Haru's once more.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Haru asked, setting aside whatever he had been holding and reaching out to curl his warm hand over Rin's shoulder. "I tried to be quiet."

Rin shook his head.

"It was cold without you," he answered without much thought. Then, as though possessed, he pushed up until he was crowding into Haru's personal space. With a sly, cheeky grin, he added, "You have quite spoiled me, you know. I find it impossible to sleep without your arms around me now."

Perhaps Rin's boldness was contagious or perhaps it was the lateness of the hour, when minds were tired and unfiltered; whatever the reason, Haru's lips quirked into a lopsided grin. He too, leaned forward until the tips of their noses were so close together that even a sheet of the thinnest paper in the world would find it difficult to wriggle between them. This close, Rin could see that there was a look in Haru's eyes, adoration mixed with mischief, and it made his breath hitch in his throat.

"Is that so?" Haru rasped, and _oh_ , did Rin recognise that tone. It spoke of promises much better acted upon by their bodies, between the sheets with their chests pressed together.

"Take me to bed?" Rin asked, not quite a demand yet not quite a plea.

Haru took a moment to simply stare him right in the eyes, gaze a little searching. He must have found what he was looking for in Rin's returning gaze because not a moment later, Haru pressed further forward and claimed Rin's lips in a gentle but heated kiss, his tongue not shy at all as it dragged across the seam of Rin's lips. Instinctively, Rin's lips parted, and like a floodgate opening, their bodies pressed together urgently, hands roaming freely over bared skin.

"Take me to bed, Haru," Rin gasped when they parted for air, and Haru's lips travelled south, down the long column of his neck.

This time, Haru hummed his acquiescence, and with an impressive show of strength, lifted both of them off the floor and carried them the short distance back to their shared futon.

For the rest of the night and well into the dawn, Rin knew only pleasure, the kind that filled his heart to bursting, the kind he wished would never end.

* * *

Rin knew of Nanase Haruka long before the merchant had patronised the House and hired Rin for his services.

Nanase- _san_ had been the talk of the town for weeks, a quiet, serious looking young man who sold beautifully crafted trinkets at fair prices. The shopkeepers Rin liked to chat with on his twice-weekly trips into town were all atwitter at how handsome the jeweller had been, and how gentlemanly too, always quick to offer to help his customers put on their new purchases.

Apart from the fact that he was a travelling salesman, very little else was known about _who_ Nanase Haruka was. Some of the more bold members of their small town had tried to weasel out more information whenever they stopped by his stall, but the merchant was a tough nut to crack. The only thing anyone was able to confirm was that he was in his mid-20s and he was, as yet, unattached.

"You should have seen the way Mrs Kobayashi's eyes lit up," the innkeeper's wife had laughed after she'd relayed that piece of information to Rin. "You could practically see the gears turning in her head as she schemed to throw her daughter in his path."

There was a round of muted laughter from the other patrons at the bar.

"I'll tell you what, though," the lady added quietly, leaning across the counter as she handed Rin the bundle of mail he'd come to collect. "If that man were to marry anyone from this town, it wouldn't be the Kobayashi girl."

Rin raised an eyebrow, asking, "Why d’you say that?"

She shrugged. "Just a feeling," she said, wearing a thoughtful smile, before she bustled away to help a customer at the other end of the bar.

Rin hadn't thought much of it at the time, having never met the merchant, and it was many, many months after that conversation before the Madame called him to meet his newest patron.

* * *

At first glance, Nanase Haruka was a rather plain, unassuming looking young man. He was tall — not quite as tall as Rin, but nothing to sneeze at either — with short blue-black hair and dark blue eyes.

Rin hadn't thought much of him at first. During the customary tea session the Madame held to introduce potential new clients, he had been quiet and respectful, both to Rin and to the owner of the House, had held himself with elegance and poise when they'd risen to part, and then he'd disappeared for a whole month, no sight nor sound of the travelling merchant from either the town square or the letters that arrived on the Madame's desk.

Rin had just begun wondering if he'd imagined the whole meeting when he spotted the dark-haired merchant in the markets one afternoon, a rather neutral, flat look on his face as he interacted with a customer. It wasn't a particularly inviting look, but it also wasn't particularly off-putting either, and Rin watched, somewhat baffled, as the young girl — the Tanaka family's youngest daughter, if he remembered correctly — blushed and ducked her head at whatever Nanase-san said.

Suddenly he found himself overcome with curiosity, wanting to know more about his mysterious patron.

There was a small crowd gathered in front of the stall, mostly of the town's womenfolk, but it wasn't difficult to navigate his way into the center of the crowd, close enough to see the merchant in action but not close enough to be spotted easily.

Nanase-san was just as quiet here as Rin had remembered from their meeting, but there was a sincerity in his voice that Rin rarely heard in the voices of other travelling merchants that traded in their town market. He tried to imagine what it would feel like to be talked to like that; it would make him feel special, he supposed, like he was important, like his wants and needs were being specifically catered to.

Nanase- _san_ was also thoughtful and deliberate about the suggestions he made when his customers asked for recommendations. He took the time to listen to every request, and at least one of the items he picked out would be met with approval.

All round, Nanase Haruka the merchant seemed to be a nice, if slightly distant, person with a good eye for taste, and that was probably why there was always chatter about him and why his presence at the market was always so anticipated.

As Rin left the marketplace, he found himself wondering if the public persona was anything like the private one.

As it turned out, he didn't have to wait long to find out, and the Nanase Haruka he found behind closed doors was just as nice, if not more.

It was a short fall, after that, from like to love.

* * *

Once again, it was the cold that pulled Rin from his slumber, and as he pushed himself up into a seated position, he couldn't help but think that this was becoming a routine he wasn't at all comfortable with.

Generally, he was a light sleeper — the circumstances of his childhood had demanded that of him — but whenever he slept in Haru's arms, he found that he could get a deeper, more restful sleep. It helped him to feel more energised and motivated in the mornings after, and even the Madame — a worrywart beneath her stern visage — had commented on the healthier shade of his skin whenever she saw him return to the House from his nights away with Haru. It was yet another thing he loved so much about his beloved dark-haired merchant.

Haru would be staying for a longer period of time this time. Rin knew this because the Madame had instructed Rin to pack a trunk with a week's worth of clothes, both casual and formal, and the place he had been taken to was a lodger's house, not an inn. When he had recognised where he’d been taken to, he had been delighted by the prospect of spending more nights with Haru.

But so far, every single night for the three nights he had so far spent in Haru's bed, he had woken at least once without Haru by his side, the other side of the bed cool, and he hated it. More than that, he hated how unsettled it made him feel.

For some reason, he felt as though the end of their arrangement was in sight, and in his mind, there could only be one logical explanation.

Haru had found his bride. He would marry some respectable young lady who would bear his children, and they would never ever meet again. After all, no respectable married man would ever employ the services of an escort, and Haru was more than just respectable.

This week would be their last hurrah.

The thought brought with it a crushing realisation: all the joy he'd come to experience over the past year and a half, all of it crafted by his and Haru's fingers, would all just become bittersweet memories, to be boxed up and stored away in a corner of his mind.

Next thing he knew, he was bent double, head curled into the space between his knees as he keened pitifully and tears blurred his eyes, streaming down his face. His fingers curled and uncurled around fistfuls of fabric under his hand as he struggled to figure out what to do with them, if he wanted to grab hold of something and fling it as hard as he could, or if he wanted to scratch himself until he bled.

Distantly, he heard a scrabbling sound, and then there were arms around his waist. Gentle arms, ones that had held him through countless nights of endless passion. Familiar arms, ones that had steadied him in moments of weakness.

In that moment, he couldn't decide if he loved or despised how dependent he had become of Nanase Haruka's embraces.

"Rin?"

Haru's voice was no louder than usual, but it cut through Rin's sorrow like a sharp knife, bringing him back to reality. There was also a hint of urgency tinged with confusion in his tone, something Rin had never heard from his lover before. His head snapped up.

Rin opened his mouth to say something but words were still jumbled up inside his head, so he closed it again, looking away from Haru's concerned gaze as he did so.

"Rin," Haru repeated, his arms tightening around Rin's waist for a moment.

In that moment, Rin felt himself instinctively relax into Haru's hold, leaning his body against the sturdy chest pressed against his side and letting his head rest upon a shoulder. Then, he remembered the thoughts that had started all this, and suddenly, all Rin wanted to do was be as far away from Haru as possible, hating how dependent he'd become, and hating how he wouldn't be able to rely on it in the future.

They stayed like that for a while, until Haru murmured, "Hold on a moment," before pulling his arms away. Rin panicked, making a choking noise as his hands grabbed onto the closest part of Haru he could reach, which was Haru's hand. Their fingers weaving together without much thought.

"Don't go," he whispered in desperation as he met Haru's eyes again.

Immediately, Haru froze in his tracks, confusion flitting through his gaze as he searched Rin's. He must have come to some sort of understanding, because he tilted his head down to press their foreheads together before saying, "I'm not. My legs fell asleep." To demonstrate this, he pulled Rin closer towards him as he sat down, stretching his legs out under Rin.

Rin was sitting in Haru's lap again, a position was still trying to get used to. It wasn't that he hadn't sat in a patron's lap before; it was simply because sitting in Haru's lap made him feel treasured, and he had never ever felt as beloved as in those moments when Haru held him close like that.

At some point, Haru had begun swaying, the gentle rocking motion lulling Rin into a daze of sorts. Slowly, he settled against Haru's chest, face pressed into the curve of Haru's neck, until eventually, he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

Rin came to slowly the next morning, groaning at the bright sunlight that streamed in through the uncovered windows.

If there was one thing he hated about the lodgings Haru had taken up for this visit, it was the fact that the room faced east, the room lighting up with the rising sun. Any other time, he would have loved it, rising with the sun and getting his day started early no matter how late a night he’d had the night before; there was just something about sun-drenched mornings that invigorated him. But in the mornings after a night spent at Haru's side, there was nothing he wanted more than to be able to sleep in, savour the moments he still had in his lover's embrace.

It hit particularly hard that morning, the thoughts he'd fallen asleep with still weighing his heart down.

At least Haru was still in bed with him, which was a small comfort.

They had shuffled around in their sleep, so when Rin opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Haru's sleeping face, relaxed in repose. They were both on their sides, faces so close together that they were practically breathing in each other's breaths. Haru's lips were slightly parted and Rin almost couldn't resist the urge to close the gap between them to press their lips together. But resist he did, squeezing his eyes closed so he wouldn't constantly be staring at temptation.

With a sigh, he rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling.

What would he do, now that he knew he would be leaving Haru's side? The thought had always only ever been a vague concept lingering in the back of his mind, even though deep in his heart he had known that the day would eventually come. He hadn't spared a thought to it — he hadn't wanted to.

Perhaps he should have. Or perhaps he shouldn't have become so attached that he would need to. The others at the House never seemed to have the same problem he was having now when their clients' contracts ended.

Tears were building in his eyes again, and he let out a quiet, shuddery breath in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure building up within him.

As though sensing his need for comfort, Haru rolled forward, covering half of Rin's chest with his own and burrowing his face into the crook of Rin's neck. Instinctively, Rin's arms reached around his lover's waist, his fingers lacing together and rested on the small of the other man's back.

"You're not well," Haru murmured, his breath ghosting over Rin's collarbone.

"I—" Rin began, before he choked on his words and thoughts. Could he tell Haru what burdened his mind?

Haru pushed himself up slightly, resting his weight on his arms, so he could look directly into Rin's eyes. They stared at each other for a moment, then Haru pursed his lips together, his forehead creasing into a frown. "You're unhappy," he said as he shifted his weight so he could raise a hand to swipe along the lower lashes of Rin's eye, wiping away the tears that had gathered there. "What's wrong?"

Rin closed his eyes and bit his lower lip, putting up one final fight with himself to not burden Haru. He lost, surrendering to the gentle way Haru was taking care of him.

"You are leaving," he whispered, voice thick.

Haru's thumb, which had been tracing along Rin's cheekbone, stopped in its tracks, pressing into the soft flesh at the top of the bone. Cautiously, Rin opened his eyes slightly to squint up at his lover.

"I will be, yes," Haru confirmed. "I cannot stay here indefinitely. I do not have leave to."

Rin swallowed down the lump in his throat. "You will leave and never come back."

Haru tilted his head to the side, confused. "Of course, I don’t know where my path will take me yet, but I like coming to this town so—"

Rin closed his eyes again and shook his head, a whine of frustration building in the back of his throat. "You will never come back to me!" Rin interrupted, voice louder than he'd planned and the words spilling out without his permission. "You will marry and we will never see each other again!"

A tense silence followed, and Rin was too scared to open his eyes and see the truth of his words in Haru's gaze, the pity the other must feel for him now that he would be cast aside.

Then Haru moved, clambering off of Rin and out of their futon, and Rin's eyes snapped open, sitting bolt upright in panic. He threw his arms out to catch hold of Haru, even as he knew he had no right to hold onto the other man anymore, and his fingers closed around thin air. His breaths came out in short, aborted huffs as his mind whirled, screaming at him that he'd scared Haru away, he had—

In a flash, Haru was back, kneeling beside Rin, close but not touching. He was also holding something in his hands, something flat and light in colour, the same thing Rin had seen him cover with his hand many nights ago. It was definitely something made of paper, now that there was better light for Rin to see it in — a book, judging from the thickness of it.

Rin's eyes darted between the book and Haru's face, confused by the way the other man's mouth opened and closed, like he was lost for words.

"Haru?"

Haru's mouth snapped shut. He took one long look at the book he was holding, then reached out to grab hold of Rin's hand, pulling it forward to rest on the cover.

"It would be quicker to show you," he said, before pushing the book into Rin's lap and gesturing for him to open it.

Rin looked once more at Haru, to confirm, and when the dark-haired man nodded, he swallowed and looked down at the book in his lap. He exhaled once, to steady himself, and then he turned the page.

What he saw inside stole his breath away.

It was a sketchbook, every inch of its heavy, bright white paper covered with drawings. Some had been done in pencil, others in ink, but every single one of them were of the same subject: him.

"It is true that I plan to settle down soon," Haru began to say as Rin's fingers ran over a particularly detailed pencil sketch of his profile. "I have found the one person I wish to spend the rest of my days with, be it on the road or in a permanent house of our own. But I haven't had the chance to ask them yet because I'd been away from them for a while and I was too impatient to ask when I saw them again.

"Matsuoka Rin"— Rin's head lifted, drawn by both the respect and the subtle command in Haru's voice —"will you marry me?"

* * *

Rin didn’t know it was possible to be happier than the overwhelming delight he'd felt when he had agreed to Haru's proposal.

Then they had held the ceremony and celebrated their marriage before the friends he had made in his many years at the House, their well-wishes genuine and heart-felt, and he proved himself wrong.

Then they had left the small town to travel far and wide — Haru showing him the vast sea he loved so much, and the pair of them climbing to the highest peak they could reach — and he proved himself wrong once more.

Then Haru had taken him to see his mother and sister again, for the first time in many, many years, and he proved himself wrong yet again.

Every day with Haru, he quickly found, was a blessing, unpredictable and fun, and every morning, in the comfort of their warm bed, he thanked the powers that be for bringing this wonderful man into his life. Then, he rolled over on top of his husband and proceeded to kiss his lover over and over again until hands began to wander and Rin experienced bliss once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to RinHaru Week 2019, friends, and happy RinHarumas!
> 
> Today's theme was **Confessions** , but the bulk of this story was born out of one of the AU suggestions, historical setting. I've always wanted to write an AU like this, and it was always lingering in the back of my mind, so when I saw the prompt, this was the first idea that popped up. 
> 
> Truthfully, I have more stories planned for the rest of the week, but I probably won't be able to write and post them all during the week itself. I still hope to write them all eventually and share them - and others - with you all one day...
> 
> Until then, let me know what you thought of this in the comments below, and I hope you have a very happy RinHarumas ♥


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